REASONS WHY BEING SELFISH IS GOOD FOR YOU

Being called selfish doesn’t feel like a compliment, but the trait can actually make you a better person, psychology experts say.

“When you take care of yourself first, you show up as a healthy, grounded person in life,” says Bob Rosen, author of Grounded: How Leaders Stay Rooted in an Uncertain World (Jossey-Bass, 2013).

Oriented around survival, Rosen says it’s in our nature to take care of our own needs first. The instinct eventually got a bad rap, however, and became the source of negative emotions like fear and guilt.

IF YOU CAN’T TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, THEN YOU CAN’T CARE FOR OTHERS. BEING SELFISH IS CRITICAL.

“As we evolved, we developed higher order needs, [such as] becoming community centered,” he says. “Our theory of human development is based on a model that you’re either selfish or you’re community oriented. The truth is that you need to be both. It’s not an either-or.”

Melissa Deuter, clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of Texas Health Science Center at San Antonio, agrees. “Selfish is an ugly word but it can mean two different things,” she says. “One connotation is that you’re unkind and inconsiderate of others. The other is that you take responsibility for getting your personal, emotional and physical needs met, and that’s an important part of becoming an adult.”

Rosen and Deuter say that the key to healthy selfishness is being self-focused instead of self-involved. Schedule some “me time,” and you might discover these four benefits:

1. YOU’LL BE HEALTHIER

Selfish people tend to take better care of themselves instead of giving too much energy away serving the needs of everyone else, says Rosen. He interviewed several executives for his book and found strong physical health to be a common trait of a good leader.

“Instead of spending all of their time at work, these men and women carve out time for themselves,” he says. “For example, Dennis Nally is global chairman of PwC (formerly PricewaterhouseCoopers), and he travels more than any other person I know. Exercises all the time, and eats well. He knows in order to sustain his travel agenda he has to take the time to take care of himself.”

2. YOU’LL HAVE AN ADVANTAGE WHEN IT COMES TO LEADERSHIP ROLES

Studies have shown that acting in your own self-interest you may give you an advantage in leadership roles, says Deuter.

“Selfish people are more confident and less likely to give up on goals,” she says. “They go after what they want unapologetically, and they’re not afraid to ask for the raise or promotion.”

Rosen agrees. “Selfish people have a drive to succeed,” he says. “There is often a higher purpose to be a great leader--taking care of other people. But if you can’t take care of yourself, you can’t care for others. Being selfish is critical.”

3. YOU’LL HAVE BETTER RELATIONSHIPS

People will have a harder time manipulating or taking advantage of you if you’re selfish, says Deuter. “Setting boundaries means knowing where you end and other person begins,” she says. “If you have trouble being self-focused, you might have trouble saying no.”

“To be a healthy, grounded person, you need to be selfish,” says Rosen. “If you’re looking to a partner to fill your emotional needs, your relationship is vulnerable. The best relationships happen when two adults show up and enjoy each other.”

4. YOU’LL BE HAPPIER

Selfish people spend their time doing activities they like to do.

“If you have a well-developed sense of who you are, what you enjoy and the ability to communicate this to others, you’ll be a happier person,” says Deuter. “Putting yourself first is not a negative quality; it’s your job to take care of yourself and get what you need.”

Internet Dating Rules of Engagement

 Internet Dating Rules of Engagement

The days of meeting people at happy hours, in grocery stores and through friend hook-ups seem to be ghosts of human interaction past. The resurgence of social networking sites and online dating services have become the preferred options for people in search of new friends and romantic relationships.

I have had my share of online dating experiences; some were promising and some were downright ignorant. For that reason, I thought I’d share some tips rules from my perspective on what to do and what not to do on the internet dating scene.

1) Be open and willing to receive. What you put out is what you get back.

2) Create a truthful profile. Don’t lie about anything. Be perfectly clear about who you are and what you are looking for in a potential mate. Remember you are seeking compatibility and sanity. If you call crazy, crazy will respond.

3) Don’t post profile pics of a sexual nature. When sharks smell blood they attack. A pleasant face pic will do. Save the full body and/or nude pics for later when you develop a comfort and a confidence in your new friend.

4) Listen to your inner detector. If something doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t.

5) Crazy doesn’t have a gender. Women & men are lying, scheming, stalking and commiting identity theft like sickening sociopaths do.  Remember hundreds or even thousands of people might view your profile, keep it honest, entertaining and straight to the point.

6) Don’t be afraid to ask questions. In fact, ask lots of questions.

7) If you connect with someone in your city and decide to meet, in the beginning, make sure you meet in public places. The movies, the club or their crib are unacceptable meeting places when you are getting to know someone. You want lots of light and activity around you. Safety is everything. Refrain from drinking alcohol if you can. Be aware at all times. Sometimes intoxication creates bad situations.

8) If you connect with someone long distance, remember there is space for great possibility, but also for incredible deception —be careful. The charming, funny, intelligent person that is making your heart go pitter patter on IM and Skype just might be an insecure, narcissistic, disingenuous predator that has plans to make you their next victim.  Consistency and time will let you know what you need to know.

9) If you feel uncomfortable at any time, dead the situation. They’ll get over it.

10) The most accomplished individuals are capable of being the biggest assholes. Having multiple degrees, a high paying job and a gym membership is great, but that doesn’t guarantee someone is emotionally and mentally balanced. Don’t become disillusioned by external attributes, the labor worker with the limited academic experience, but incredible integrity might be the powdered sugar on your funnel cake.

11) Take it one day at a time. Don’t be anxious. Have fun getting to know one another. The process is everything.

12) Never confuse fantasy with reality. A few cool conversations, tingly feelings and good thoughts are just that. Love requires consistency, work and sustained effort. Your emotions might be on a hundred thousand trillion, but be careful and don’t say the L word to a relative stranger until you have arrived at a place of certainty

The days of meeting people at happy hours, in grocery stores and through friend hook-ups seem to be ghosts of human interaction past. The resurgence of social networking sites and online dating services have become the preferred options for people in search of new friends and romantic relationships.

I have had my share of online dating experiences; some were promising and some were downright ignorant. For that reason, I thought I’d share some tips rules from my perspective on what to do and what not to do on the internet dating scene.

1) Be open and willing to receive. What you put out is what you get back.

2) Create a truthful profile. Don’t lie about anything. Be perfectly clear about who you are and what you are looking for in a potential mate. Remember you are seeking compatibility and sanity. If you call crazy, crazy will respond.

3) Don’t post profile pics of a sexual nature. When sharks smell blood they attack. A pleasant face pic will do. Save the full body and/or nude pics for later when you develop a comfort and a confidence in your new friend.

4) Listen to your inner detector. If something doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t.

5) Crazy doesn’t have a gender. Women & men are lying, scheming, stalking and commiting identity theft like sickening sociopaths do.  Remember hundreds or even thousands of people might view your profile, keep it honest, entertaining and straight to the point.

6) Don’t be afraid to ask questions. In fact, ask lots of questions.

7) If you connect with someone in your city and decide to meet, in the beginning, make sure you meet in public places. The movies, the club or their crib are unacceptable meeting places when you are getting to know someone. You want lots of light and activity around you. Safety is everything. Refrain from drinking alcohol if you can. Be aware at all times. Sometimes intoxication creates bad situations.

8) If you connect with someone long distance, remember there is space for great possibility, but also for incredible deception —be careful. The charming, funny, intelligent person that is making your heart go pitter patter on IM and Skype just might be an insecure, narcissistic, disingenuous predator that has plans to make you their next victim.  Consistency and time will let you know what you need to know.

9) If you feel uncomfortable at any time, dead the situation. They’ll get over it.

10) The most accomplished individuals are capable of being the biggest assholes. Having multiple degrees, a high paying job and a gym membership is great, but that doesn’t guarantee someone is emotionally and mentally balanced. Don’t become disillusioned by external attributes, the labor worker with the limited academic experience, but incredible integrity might be the powdered sugar on your funnel cake.

11) Take it one day at a time. Don’t be anxious. Have fun getting to know one another. The process is everything.

12) Never confuse fantasy with reality. A few cool conversations, tingly feelings and good thoughts are just that. Love requires consistency, work and sustained effort. Your emotions might be on a hundred thousand trillion, but be careful and don’t say the L word to a relative stranger until you have arrived at a place of certainty